Dating, Relationships and Sexual Abuse!
It's an irony that something which is supposed to be one of the best experiences of one's romantic life, dating, is so deeply entrenched in a culture of what could only be called sexual harassment and abuse that it often becomes a horrific and deeply scarring experience, mainly for women.
I've been a part of this culture, and knowingly and unknowingly, have even contributed towards the same. Reading about the heart wrenching experiences of so many people during #Metoo, and recently reading about Chintan Ruparel, and a few discussions with some friends, made me think about the whole dating scene which a lot of us have been exposed to pretty recently.
It's not easy to spot abuse, often for the abuser too. There is a kind of abuse which is direct and pretty easy to spot, the kind inflicted by men who believe women must remain indoors, and any woman who dares to come out of the chaardiwari is loose and could be misbehaved with. The ass grabbing, frottaging, and even cigarette pinching that women routinely experience in Delhi metro is an example. These men simply can't see a women out of their house, and if at all, certainly not in a salwar kurta or God forbid a jeans. This is pretty rampant in Haryana, Rajasthan, UP, basically areas surrounding Delhi.
There is another, more vicious kind of abuse, which is often as damaging as the former, and often even more damaging, since it shatters any amount of trust that a woman could possibly have (after routinely facing the first kind of abuse) in men, no matter how modern looking, educated or 'feminist' they are. Men like Chintan Ruparel, Utsav Chakraborty, Rajat Kapoor and so on typify this kind of insidious rape culture. And often, they are simply unaware of the implications their actions might have on the victim. Maybe Chintan Ruparel was so deeply entrenched in this rape culture that he indeed didn't realise that what he did to one of the survivor was rape, and that she went into suicidal depression post that incident.
We live in a hyper sexualized world. Women are objectified everywhere, from soap commercials to Instagram posts, and the dopamine hit that constant consumption of porn produces in young men turns many of them into folks who are mainly looking for sex from a date. The typical guy-talk, even in a so called 'liberal' circle, often revolves around 'who scored how many', and 'how to score next'. The whole dating scene so grotesquely revolves around sex that everything else is seen as a means to that end. There is often little discussion about the details of the process (other than making the first move), the implications, both mental-emotional and physical, that the process might have, and even on building an emotional bond based on trust and communication which you'd expect in any relationship. Even if one is not looking for a relationship, a basic trust must exist between any two individuals engaged in an intimate experience.
Another dangerous element which often gets added to this background, often in 'liberal' circles, is drugs and alcohol. I've heard about umpteen cases of sexual assault in Ashoka University (though this is not specific to this particular university, check out 'The Hunting Ground' for more) where consent was either ignored, or willfully negated, under the influence of alcohol or drugs. The irony is, being open to inebriation, as well as to sex, is often unofficially considered to be a hallmark of being 'liberal'. This strongly smells of a insidious patriarchal construct that 'woke' men use to 'score' 'loose' women.
How do we, males deal with this?
Firstly, develop some emotional intelligence. Many of us have been mumma's boy most of the time, and have later transitioned into male majority areas, be it Engineering colleges or many other places. We've hardly gone through the process of understanding our emotions, understanding our emotional needs, trying to release it appropriately instead of suppressing it (which, more often than not, releases in the bedroom, either with porn or with a body that is mainly there for sex), taking control over our emotions, developing empathy, and teaching ourselves to behave in stressful situations (or when we are high). Browny point- you'll likely become a much better human being with deeper relationships and happier life.
Secondly, learn dating. Not from Quora or from your 'stud' friends, but maybe from your female friends, or from those 'woke' male friends who are approved by females. Let's face it, even among the liberal kids, dating is a very new concept, and we are doing more harm than good in this whole process, both to ourselves and to others. It makes a lot of sense to hear it from women, who are likely more empathetic and posesse better emotional skills than us.
Drop the idea that you could be a 'player' who can 'score' every Saturday night by developing 10 charming moves which you read about on a random website. You may not realise, but your actions can have very serious consequences on others. Don't date if you're not ready, it's simply not okay to sexually assault women, especially when you're yourself emotionally under-prepared. It's a delicate emotional and physical process which must be understood first and understood well.
Thirdly, and especially if you are looking for a relationship, build trust, solid trust. Here is a person who has faced assault since she has hit puberty, or in some cases, even before that. Cat calling, frottage, boob grabbing etc has been a common experience (speak with some of your female friends/relatives/sister/cousin etc). Chances are, she has already been sexually assaulted before, many times by someone in their own family. No wonder majority of women simply opt out of the process of dating, since there indeed are very bleak chances that they would not have a similar experience again. Despite all this, if the person is giving you a chance by agreeing to go on a date, that means something.
If you're simply looking for sex, as such nothing wrong in it, state it unambiguously as soon as possible. Not necessarily in the first meeting maybe, but surely before touching her.
But if you're looking for something beyond that, then build trust and communication, the bedrock of any relationship. This process is messy, requires a lot of empathy (which men often are bad at) and emotional efforts (which, again, men aren't particularly good at). Do the hard work, talk a lot, understand each other and understand yourselves too in the process. Make dating an experience you both would cherish irrespective of the outcomes. And sex would be better too, if she trusts you enough with that, but that's not the point (if you still think that is the whole point but you don't want to state it else she'll leave, you should seriously introspect).
Not just that, try and take this word to your guy circles as well. Talk about the whole process of dating, of how to build trust and communication, about consent, about your experiences of good relationships based on mutual respect, and so on. Call out objectification and excessive sexual urges as well. And help your guy friends develop into emotionally matured human beings.
I'll also add an uncalled for advice for women as well (which most of you must have already heard from your female friends), don't date emotionally immature, unempathetic, or untrustworthy men, no matter how good their social profile looks or how many times they invoke 'Feminism' in their utterances. It's just not worth taking the risk, the consequences are simply too great for you to face. And maybe go a step beyond this, mark these individuals and spread the news through your whisper circles so that other women too remain safe.
I'll end this by saying that I've been on both sides of the table, a victim as well as a perpetrator. I know it may not make a lot of difference, but I'd like to apologise for my past behaviour, intended or unintended, which has hurt anyone. This is by no means an attempt to preach anything to anyone. But this is by all means an attempt to caution men, who know liberal jargon, who are super privileged, and who are often excessively hungry for sex, thanks to the times we live in. This is written from a PoV of cis male, which is what I feel I can represent the best.
I've been a part of this culture, and knowingly and unknowingly, have even contributed towards the same. Reading about the heart wrenching experiences of so many people during #Metoo, and recently reading about Chintan Ruparel, and a few discussions with some friends, made me think about the whole dating scene which a lot of us have been exposed to pretty recently.
It's not easy to spot abuse, often for the abuser too. There is a kind of abuse which is direct and pretty easy to spot, the kind inflicted by men who believe women must remain indoors, and any woman who dares to come out of the chaardiwari is loose and could be misbehaved with. The ass grabbing, frottaging, and even cigarette pinching that women routinely experience in Delhi metro is an example. These men simply can't see a women out of their house, and if at all, certainly not in a salwar kurta or God forbid a jeans. This is pretty rampant in Haryana, Rajasthan, UP, basically areas surrounding Delhi.
There is another, more vicious kind of abuse, which is often as damaging as the former, and often even more damaging, since it shatters any amount of trust that a woman could possibly have (after routinely facing the first kind of abuse) in men, no matter how modern looking, educated or 'feminist' they are. Men like Chintan Ruparel, Utsav Chakraborty, Rajat Kapoor and so on typify this kind of insidious rape culture. And often, they are simply unaware of the implications their actions might have on the victim. Maybe Chintan Ruparel was so deeply entrenched in this rape culture that he indeed didn't realise that what he did to one of the survivor was rape, and that she went into suicidal depression post that incident.
We live in a hyper sexualized world. Women are objectified everywhere, from soap commercials to Instagram posts, and the dopamine hit that constant consumption of porn produces in young men turns many of them into folks who are mainly looking for sex from a date. The typical guy-talk, even in a so called 'liberal' circle, often revolves around 'who scored how many', and 'how to score next'. The whole dating scene so grotesquely revolves around sex that everything else is seen as a means to that end. There is often little discussion about the details of the process (other than making the first move), the implications, both mental-emotional and physical, that the process might have, and even on building an emotional bond based on trust and communication which you'd expect in any relationship. Even if one is not looking for a relationship, a basic trust must exist between any two individuals engaged in an intimate experience.
Another dangerous element which often gets added to this background, often in 'liberal' circles, is drugs and alcohol. I've heard about umpteen cases of sexual assault in Ashoka University (though this is not specific to this particular university, check out 'The Hunting Ground' for more) where consent was either ignored, or willfully negated, under the influence of alcohol or drugs. The irony is, being open to inebriation, as well as to sex, is often unofficially considered to be a hallmark of being 'liberal'. This strongly smells of a insidious patriarchal construct that 'woke' men use to 'score' 'loose' women.
How do we, males deal with this?
Firstly, develop some emotional intelligence. Many of us have been mumma's boy most of the time, and have later transitioned into male majority areas, be it Engineering colleges or many other places. We've hardly gone through the process of understanding our emotions, understanding our emotional needs, trying to release it appropriately instead of suppressing it (which, more often than not, releases in the bedroom, either with porn or with a body that is mainly there for sex), taking control over our emotions, developing empathy, and teaching ourselves to behave in stressful situations (or when we are high). Browny point- you'll likely become a much better human being with deeper relationships and happier life.
Secondly, learn dating. Not from Quora or from your 'stud' friends, but maybe from your female friends, or from those 'woke' male friends who are approved by females. Let's face it, even among the liberal kids, dating is a very new concept, and we are doing more harm than good in this whole process, both to ourselves and to others. It makes a lot of sense to hear it from women, who are likely more empathetic and posesse better emotional skills than us.
Drop the idea that you could be a 'player' who can 'score' every Saturday night by developing 10 charming moves which you read about on a random website. You may not realise, but your actions can have very serious consequences on others. Don't date if you're not ready, it's simply not okay to sexually assault women, especially when you're yourself emotionally under-prepared. It's a delicate emotional and physical process which must be understood first and understood well.
Thirdly, and especially if you are looking for a relationship, build trust, solid trust. Here is a person who has faced assault since she has hit puberty, or in some cases, even before that. Cat calling, frottage, boob grabbing etc has been a common experience (speak with some of your female friends/relatives/sister/cousin etc). Chances are, she has already been sexually assaulted before, many times by someone in their own family. No wonder majority of women simply opt out of the process of dating, since there indeed are very bleak chances that they would not have a similar experience again. Despite all this, if the person is giving you a chance by agreeing to go on a date, that means something.
If you're simply looking for sex, as such nothing wrong in it, state it unambiguously as soon as possible. Not necessarily in the first meeting maybe, but surely before touching her.
But if you're looking for something beyond that, then build trust and communication, the bedrock of any relationship. This process is messy, requires a lot of empathy (which men often are bad at) and emotional efforts (which, again, men aren't particularly good at). Do the hard work, talk a lot, understand each other and understand yourselves too in the process. Make dating an experience you both would cherish irrespective of the outcomes. And sex would be better too, if she trusts you enough with that, but that's not the point (if you still think that is the whole point but you don't want to state it else she'll leave, you should seriously introspect).
Not just that, try and take this word to your guy circles as well. Talk about the whole process of dating, of how to build trust and communication, about consent, about your experiences of good relationships based on mutual respect, and so on. Call out objectification and excessive sexual urges as well. And help your guy friends develop into emotionally matured human beings.
I'll also add an uncalled for advice for women as well (which most of you must have already heard from your female friends), don't date emotionally immature, unempathetic, or untrustworthy men, no matter how good their social profile looks or how many times they invoke 'Feminism' in their utterances. It's just not worth taking the risk, the consequences are simply too great for you to face. And maybe go a step beyond this, mark these individuals and spread the news through your whisper circles so that other women too remain safe.
I'll end this by saying that I've been on both sides of the table, a victim as well as a perpetrator. I know it may not make a lot of difference, but I'd like to apologise for my past behaviour, intended or unintended, which has hurt anyone. This is by no means an attempt to preach anything to anyone. But this is by all means an attempt to caution men, who know liberal jargon, who are super privileged, and who are often excessively hungry for sex, thanks to the times we live in. This is written from a PoV of cis male, which is what I feel I can represent the best.
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